Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Gaston,
looking so down in the dumps.
Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston,
even when taking your lumps.

There's no man in town as admired as you,
you're everyone's favorite guy.
Everyone's awed and inspired by you,
and it's not very hard to see why.

No one's slick as Gaston,
no one's quick as Gaston.
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston's.

For there's no man in town half as manly!
Perfect, a pure paragon!

You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley,
and they'll tell you whose team they'd prefer to be on.

No one's been like Gaston,
a king pin like Gaston.
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston.

As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!
My what a guy,
that Gaston.

Give five "hurrahs!",
give twelve "hip-hips!".
Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips!

No one fights like Gaston,
douses lights like Gaston.
In a wrestling match,
nobody bites like Gaston!

For there's no one as burly and brawny.
As you see,
I've got biceps to spare.

Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny.
That's right!
And every last inch of me's covered with hair!

No one hits like Gaston,
matches wits like Gaston.
In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston.

I'm especially good at expectorating.
Ten points for Gaston!

When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs ev'ry morning to help me get large.
And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs.
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!

No one shouts like Gaston,
makes those beauts like Gaston.
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston!

I use antlers in all of my decorating!
My what a guy,

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